


this ain't love it's clear to see (darling stay with me)

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual!Harry, Depression, Dubious Consent, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, also h&l are the same age in this all the boys are, i just want to be careful, it does have a positive ending i promise, it's only implied but yes, none of the triggers are actually graphic or described in detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:58:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2610950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How much do you love me,” Louis asks him late one night. Harry thinks about it for a little while before replying with: “Too much.” Louis laughs sleepily, “No one loves me that much.” Harry asks him the same question to which Louis replies with: “No one will ever love you like I do.”</p><p>(Or the one where Harry and Louis are too much for each other.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	this ain't love it's clear to see (darling stay with me)

**Author's Note:**

> wow okay so this has taken up most of my time this month, not only bc i'm an ultra slow writer but also because this has been very hard and confronting to write. this is a super personal topic, and story and i really hope that i did it justice. special thanks to shaan aka [jealousbfs](http://jealousbfs.tumblr.com/) for being my lovely beta.
> 
> i want to add that this is in no way written to romanticise abusive/toxic/unhealthy relationships. i wrote this to get it out of my mind, and to turn my own struggles into something productive and hopefully this will help other people going through similar things. if you are going through anything that is written in this fic, please please please tell someone, i promise you it will make you feel a lot better and it is possible to get out of these situations. 
> 
> i have been extra careful and tagged non-con/dub-con because there are some elements of it in the fic, and everything i've tagged is to be careful - none of it is super graphic but i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or trigger anyway so please be careful reading this if you are sensitive to any of those topics.
> 
> i also made a [playlist](http://8tracks.com/ambioz/angels-have-their-wicked-schemes) to go with the fic so yes go have a listen if you would like :)

Harry meets Louis when he is thirteen. He can’t remember exactly how or when, just that he went from being Louis-less to seeing Louis everywhere.

They’re paired together in French one lesson; Louis is loud and talks a million words a minute whilst Harry stares at him in awe, a fond look upon his face. Louis is good at French, Harry learns, but he also learns that Louis doesn’t like doing his homework when he turns up to school one day and Louis is looking at him with an apologetic expression on his face. Harry forgives him.

They become best friends. Louis happens to take the same train as Harry after school, and they walk to the station together every day, Harry giggling into Louis’ shoulder as he tells Harry every joke he knows. Harry will reply with all his good jokes which gets a “Harold please. Leave comedy to the funny people,” out of Louis. Harry pouts in response, and Louis just grins.

Harry isn’t sure when it changes for him. When Louis becomes _Louis_. He thinks it’s around the time they spend Christmas together at his house, his mum looking at them with a concerned expression as they turn the kitchen into a mess of flour and cookie dough. Louis’ blue eyes sparkling with mischief as Harry apologizes profusely to his mum, promising they’ll clean up. They don’t.

The day Harry learns about Louis, he cries. Harry has always been in therapy; panic attacks from an early age, which later turned into much more. Louis comes to school with bandages all up his arms, laughing it off when Harry asks him about it, “Just the cat Curly, nothing to worry about!” Harry lets it go, but his heart sinks; Louis’ cat died three months ago.

Harry tells Louis everything. From the time he accidentally wore his sister’s shirt to school, to the times when he hated himself for his sexuality. Louis comes out to Harry a few month later casually, and Harry just nods along whilst Louis continues talking about other things that don’t really matter. Harry’s heart thuds heavily in his chest long after the phone call ends.

“What do you think would happen if we weren’t friends anymore?” Harry wonders aloud one day. Louis cackles loudly and rolls over to look at Harry. “I don’t know what on earth made you think of that love, but you wouldn’t survive.” Harry blushes, but nods because they both know Louis is right. “Besides, I would make life pure hell for you,” Louis goes on to say, and Harry doesn’t doubt him for a second. “Doesn’t matter though, I know you’ll never leave me,” Louis says, and Harry nods again, not even wanting to think what life would be like without Louis.

Harry’s mum asks him one day if he’s going to Louis’ house anytime soon. Harry shakes his head in reply, which causes Anne to frown. “I just don’t understand him, you’re so close and you’ve never gotten an invite to go to his house. Don’t you think it’s a bit odd?” Harry shrugs, because he knows Louis doesn’t get along with his family very well. “I don’t mind,” he tells her truthfully, and Anne stares at him sadly. Harry thinks she’s just being overly protective of him, and kisses her on the cheek before going upstairs to text Louis.

Louis tells Harry early on that he lies a lot. “It’s fun,” he says with a shrug, when Harry asks why. “It’s like being someone else for a bit. Only problem is, sometimes I forget what I’ve lied about.” Harry wonders if Louis would ever lie to him. Louis laughs, his eyes gleaming whilst he leans into Harry’s shoulder, “I would never do that to you, Curly, your puppy eyes are too convincing,” Harry smiles at him brightly, wondering what he did to deserve Louis.

Louis kisses him in November. Harry’s stomach explodes into fireworks and all he can see is stars in the colour blue and he’s falling so fast for someone he already loves with everything he has. Louis smiles at him shyly, after stepping away, and it’s the first time Harry really sees him with his guard down. Harry wonders what he’s thinking – if he’s thinking you’re all I want, just like Harry is.

The following year they get put in the same class and Louis is ecstatic. Zayn is put with them too, and all three of them dance around the classroom, Harry’s eyes shining with happiness. He’s not sure how he got so lucky to be surrounded by such kind and amazing people.

They come out on Valentine’s Day. It’s a whirlwind of glaring from the other boys in their year, and muttered words of disgust behind their backs. Every time Louis goes to hold Harry’s hand, he pulls away.

Harry tells Louis he loves him first. Louis beams and kisses him hard and fast and Harry falls into him. He can feel his arms bruising from Louis gripping on to him so tightly. He doesn’t mind too much, ignoring the dull ache in his biceps because he likes that Louis gets so possessive over him.

Sometimes it’s a little too much though. Louis will hold on a little too hard, kiss a little too fast. Harry lets him because it’s as if he is Louis’ oxygen and the look on Louis’ face afterwards is worth the slight feeling of nausea he gets whenever Louis leans in to kiss him again.

Louis calls Harry at 3am on a Tuesday, his voice tired whilst he rasps out: “I couldn’t stop.” Harry bolts out of bed and runs downstairs to get his mum, whilst Louis begs him not to tell, that he won’t do it again, he’ll be okay, it was just this one time. Harry tells her anyway, sobbing in her arms when Louis hangs up on him with a sharp “you’re such a mummy’s boy.”

Louis won’t talk to Harry the next day, won’t even look at him when Harry shuffles into class an hour late, his shirt untucked and his eyes rimmed red. Harry sits down next to him anyway, and he can feel the anxiety bubbling up into his throat. Louis ignores him for the rest of the week.

It happens a lot. Louis will slip up and beg Harry not to tell anyone. He whispers apologies into Harry’s ear, a hand grasping his thigh. Harry remembers when it felt like a loving touch but he doesn’t remember when it started feeling like a threat.

Harry doesn’t talk to Liam or Niall much anymore. He quit choir since Louis whined about missing him too much, and the classes they have together, he sits with Louis whilst they sit at the front, eagerly answering any questions flung their way. Louis will snicker and ask Harry why he was friends with such losers, Harry isn’t sure why he has friends at all.

Niall goes on holiday with Harry during Easter. They talk about homework and Teen Wolf but dance around the topic of Louis. On their last night Niall finally caves. “He’s not good for you Harry. We’re all really worried.” Harry shrugs, and says he loves Louis and that’s all that matters. All Niall says is: “I know.”

Harry’s mum won’t let Louis come over anymore. Harry tells her time and time again that Louis just finds it hard to connect with adults, but she remains firm about it. “I like all of your friends except him Harry, doesn’t that say something?” she tells him, and Harry doesn’t have any more energy left in him to keep defending Louis.

The first time he goes to Louis’ house is awkward. Louis’ parents don’t approve of their relationship so Louis had lied to them: “He’s just my friend I swear. He’s got a huge crush on me, but I would never date a boy that’s disgusting.” Harry can’t even sit a metre away from Louis without being glared at. He doesn’t go there much after that.

Harry’s panic attacks get harder to control. He has to run out of assembly, gasping for breath and whimpering into his sweater’s sleeve. Louis is right behind him, settling down next to him on the floor once Harry slides down the brick wall onto the pavement. They sit in silence, except for Harry’s sobbing. Louis traces I love you onto Harry’s thigh with his fingertips. Harry isn’t always sure that he does.

Harry finds out on a Monday that Louis has been texting a girl. Harry doesn’t mind it until Zayn teases Louis for having a girlfriend. Louis snaps that they’re just friends, if that, and besides, she’s got a huge nose and he doesn’t like her laugh. Harry sits in silence until Zayn goes to get a drink a few moments later. He asks Louis quietly who the girl is. “It’s nothing, she’s nothing.” Harry can’t tell if it’s a lie.

“How much do you love me,” Louis asks him late one night. Harry thinks about if for a little while before replying with: “Too much.” Louis laughs sleepily, “No one loves me that much.” Harry asks him the same question to which Louis replies with: “No one will ever love you like I do.”

Harry gets these fleeting moments of panic whenever Louis leans in to kiss him. He makes excuses: _I have a sore throat, I’m not feeling well, my breath smells gross_. Louis backs off, but not without looking hurt and Harry thinks maybe he should tell Louis that kisses are his kryptonite.

When Harry does let Louis kiss him, his throat closes up and he can feel his hands shake. He had always read that kissing felt lovely and soft and when it was with the right person you could hear fireworks going off in your mind. But all Harry can hear in his head is screaming.

Louis notices when Harry keeps clearing his throat all the way to school. Harry shakes his head silently, mumbling hoarsely that he’s fine and it’s just a sore throat. Louis reaches forward in his seat, Harry flinching slightly as he does it, and pulls down Harry’s collar. Words of pity pour from Louis’ mouth, but all Harry can see in his eyes is disappointment.

Harry is taken out of school on a Wednesday. It’s during maths and everyone stares at him whilst he packs up his books, Louis sniggering quietly with Zayn behind him. Harry tries not to let it get to him, but when he sits in the counsellor’s office he wonders if Louis knows why he was escorted and laughed anyway.

Louis visits Harry three times, in the eight weeks Harry is admitted to hospital. The first time is nice, and they cuddle for a little while and Louis is gentle with him. The second time Harry breaks up with him. The third time, they kiss – Harry is unsure at who initiated it but he knows who ended it – and Harry is left with confusion and hurt on his tongue.

When Harry goes back to school after eight longs weeks of drawing his feelings and crying with similar minded people, he feels like he is watching his friends with a kaleidoscope; flashes of anger and hurt and loneliness and Harry isn’t sure why it took him so long to realise that these people he was hanging out with before, aren’t really that nice at all.

Louis doesn’t talk to Harry when he comes back. He stares at him from across the classroom, with a cold blank look on his face, as if Harry is just another boy at school that he mildly dislikes. Harry feels his heart shrivel up and it takes every inch of him not to scream at Louis: “This is your fault I’m this way”, but Harry knows he was fucked up long before Louis fucked him over.

Harry promises himself he won’t go back to Louis. Tells himself he won’t apologise, he’ll wait for Louis to do it because Harry knows he has made mistakes but he also knows this mistake wasn’t his, and he’s going to let Louis fix what he ruined in the first place for a change. Harry breaks his promise the day he makes it.

Harry knows there is something wrong with him. He tries to ignore it, but every day the buzzing in his ear gets louder and the feeling of his skin crawling gets more intense. He feels like he isn’t getting anywhere, like he’s wasting his times, like there’s something missing. Harry feels nothing but emptiness and Louis used to take that feeling away for him. Used to.

Louis takes Harry on a date in August. They go to the movies and they have lunch together, and it’s the first normal day they’ve had in their entire relationship. Harry can feel his heart beating anxiously in his chest, as if it’s expecting Louis to carve it out of him, but Louis seems happy, calm even. Harry thinks that’s what scares him even more.

Harry feels like he has to tread on eggshells around Louis. Say the wrong thing and he’ll hear terrible words that end up carved into his arms and thighs late at night. Louis looks at Harry like he pities him, like he’s pathetic and Harry can’t shake the feeling that love isn’t supposed to feel like guilt.

It’s not until a Sunday afternoon when it clicks in Harry’s brain, that there’s something about Louis, which isn’t quite right. Louis leans in to kiss Harry, and after a few seconds Harry starts squirming away from his touch. Louis’ fingertips are burning into his arms, and even when Harry starts to push him away, Louis just holds on tighter, his nails digging into Harry’s skin, his lips pushing harder into Harry’s, who is struggling to breathe. There’s a battlefield in Harry’s mind, firing warning shots, alarms blaring and when Louis finally leans away, Harry can hear voices in his head shouting at him to run.

“That’s sick,” Zayn exclaims one day, as Louis shows off another new piercing that he punctured into his skin the day before. Harry looks down at his hands, they’re shaking but that isn’t new, and tries to slow his breathing. “You alright mate?” Zayn asks him, and Harry instantly nods because that’s what he always does. Louis looks at him quickly before letting out a short, sharp laugh. “Harry’s always alright!” he says brightly, slapping Harry a little too hard on the back. Zayn smiles with him, and they both turn away from Harry, who is blinking back tears of frustration.

It’s late September, when Harry’s psychologist mentions the words “abusive relationship”. Harry laughs and shakes his head, “Louis’ just possessive, he loves me and that’s the way he shows it,” he says in reply and though his psychologist moves on, Harry can feel the lump in his throat get heavier for the rest of their session. As soon as he gets home, Harry searches what the signs of an abusive relationship are, and the more he mentally checks off in his head, the more tears that flow down his cheeks.

Louis is invited to Nick Grimshaw’s birthday, Harry’s best friend back when they were in primary school together. Harry isn’t invited, but Louis is allowed a plus one and asks Harry to go with him. When Harry gets to Nick’s house, Louis is sat in the backyard laughing loudly with some gorgeous boys that Harry has never seen before in his life. “Harry darling!” Louis shouts, stumbling over to where Harry is awkwardly standing on the deck. “Here, drink some of this,” Louis says loudly, thrusting the plastic cup he’s holding into Harry’s chest. Harry leans down to sniff it, and almost gags at the burning smell of vodka. “You know I don’t drink Lou,” Harry says quietly, and Louis rolls his eyes, before shoving the cup in Harry’s face, spilling it down Harry’s brand new shirt. “Come on, don’t be so _boring_ for once Harold, live a little!” Louis tells him, and after five minutes of Louis forcing the drink up to his lips, Harry takes a hurried sip to get Louis to be quiet, before Louis is dragged away from him. Harry doesn’t get a chance to speak to Louis for the rest of the night, not counting the short five minutes that Louis comes up to Harry just to squeeze his dick in front of everyone, causing Louis’ friends to laugh at how red Harry’s cheeks go. Harry leaves the party three hours early.

Harry’s class go on camp and due to Harry’s mental health, he was to join a different class until the end of the year. Louis’ letters are grumpy to say the least, and one letter has every single word blacked out except for his signature, leaving Harry with a bad taste in his mouth. Harry is happy when about four weeks into the camp, Louis starts sounding more positive in his letters, mentioning Nick Grimshaw is being transferred into his cabin, and is in fact not as bad as he seems. Harry should be glad Louis has made a friend that isn’t Zayn, and he is, but there’s something about the way Louis talks about Nick that has Harry feeling a little sick.

It’s three weeks into the last term, when Harry leaves school. Anne leaves one of their many meetings with the principal and school counsellor, fuming after the two staff members requested that Harry wear long sleeves at all times, so to not “upset or disturb the other students.” Harry had just looked at his feet, mentally rolling his eyes because he didn’t need a teacher to tell him to cover up, he wasn’t ever planning on flashing all his self-loathing to the other boys at school. Anne however, had flew into a rage when the principal made sure to remind them all times included hot days and days that Harry had sport. When they got home, Anne pulled Harry into a tight hug, whispering in his ear “I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” over and over again. Harry doesn’t have any tears left to cry.

The day Louis comes back from camp, Harry doesn’t know what to think or feel. They text quite a bit, but they don’t catch up in person even though Louis is on holiday. Harry sees photos on Facebook of Louis hanging out with Nick, going to the zoo and having a nice fun time. Acid bubbles up into his throat, as he flicks through the photos and has to run to the bathroom to throw up what he had for lunch. When he stumbles back into his room, the picture of Nick and Louis kissing is still on his screen, haunting him. Harry deletes his history, and then deletes Louis from anything he can.

It’s hard. There are multiple times when Harry will unblock Louis, when the pain and longing get too much. Every single time, Louis messages him as soon as it happens, cockily as if he knew Harry couldn’t resist. Louis flirts as well, and Harry’s heart pounds heavily in his rib cage, as he imagines Louis and Nick together, kissing and fucking and holding hands and saying the words that Harry has engraved into his thighs. Harry isn’t even embarrassed to admit that he hopes Nick breaks Louis’ heart.

Harry starts at a new school, and it’s rocky and scary but he can feel his heart beginning to heal. He meets new people who are genuine and a lot nicer than his old friends were. He tries to write every day, tries to cleanse his body and mind of Louis, because as much as he hates it, Harry can still feel Louis’ presence with every breath he takes. When Harry sings, he can feel some of the hurt disappear a little, and even though he knows he still has a long way to go, Harry can’t help but feel proud of how far he’s come.

There are two more hospital admissions after that, except both times are Harry’s choice and Harry’s idea, because he’s starting to learn that he deserves to live and enjoy the life he was given. He encounters some very interesting people who he never talks to again, and whilst Harry is sad to lose them, he knows now that some people aren’t meant to stay in his life forever, and maybe it’s for the better.

Nick breaks up with Louis six months later. Harry knows this because he receives a text late one night from a number that isn’t in his contacts. All it says is: “I’m so sorry.” Harry texts back, getting an odd sensation in his throat when Nick reveals that it’s him. They talk for a bit; Nick telling him that Louis had been treating him like shit for a while but he hadn’t known any better. Harry isn’t sure what to say, or what to feel, and when Nick says, “I’m so sorry no one believed you,” he breaks down in tears. He’s only a little relieved, because even though it’s six months too late, at least someone understands what it’s like to be in love with misery.

Harry meets Louis again when he’s seventeen. It’s by accident; Zayn is standing outside the cafe, deep in conversation with Louis, who looks a lot different to the old Louis, that Harry once thought he knew. Harry is alone, and his hands are shaking when Zayn waves, bringing Louis’ attention to Harry, bored blue eyes flickering to anxious green ones. Harry feels like he might pass out when Zayn drags Louis over to him, and they exchange small talk. Harry can feel Louis’ eyes on him the whole time, never leaving his face, and Harry knows he’s grown into his looks a bit since the last time Louis saw him. Zayn gets called away by their boss, and waves goodbye to Harry, leaving the two of them alone. Louis remains quiet, avoiding eye contact, and Harry is the one to break the silence, surprising both of them when he asks how school is going. “Fine, still hate Higgins,” Louis replies, and Harry forces out a loud bark of laughter, because Louis is still as negative as he was back then. Louis doesn’t ask how Harry is, which he didn’t expect and when Louis’ boss calls him away, he doesn’t say goodbye to Harry either. Harry walks away from the café, feeling more alive than he has in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive me for the length of this, i've been trying to write longer fics but i think this one was better suited to being shorter. 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at [svuofficial](http://svuofficial.tumblr.com/)
> 
> please leave kudos/comments and let me know what you thought, i love you all very much :) xxx


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